Sirius' Outbox
by draco-is-the-punk
Summary: The sister story of Sirius' Inbox. You really need to read both this is merely Sirius' replies to the emails he was sent. Hope you like it!
1. Outbox

To: m00nh0wler, quidditchhero69, ratpack44, p0tionzpr1ncess

Hey guys! It's Sirius! This is my new e-mail address! How are you? See you! X

To: m00nh0wler

Ooh yeah, Moony with long hair… very nice! Hey, you should dye it black! That would look awesome; we'd match! Yeah, dye it black. You're right; James never EVER checks his e-mail! I might as well not have sent him my new address. I found this new website, it's really cool! You have to check it out; it's called FlooTube. It has loads of funny videos and stuff!!

Sex God AKA Sirius

To: h4lfbl00dpr1nce

Ooh… I'm so scared. Not. We all know who the scared one is… and he is ugly and greasy with a hooked nose and bad fashion sense. Go take a bath Snivelly.

To: quidditchhero69

I think Snivelly is mad at us… oh dear. Such a pity. Just because me and Moony kind of put some Salamander eggs in his underwear drawer…

Perfect Prankster

Sirius

To: p0tionzpr1ncess

Yeah… I wouldn't worry about it. He doesn't answer any of our e-mails either. He'll get around to it eventually.

Sirius

To: m00nh0wler

You think my hair is hot? My hair is very flattered. Yeah, I know my hair is hot. Thank you for the compliment. Your hair is pretty nice too. And you should go see a psychiatrist about your werewolf obsession.

Hot Hair

To: m00nh0wler

Oooh, Herbal Essences! Do you use it in the shower? Do you do naughty things with Herbal Essences? Do you scream "Yes!" "Yes!" in the shower with Herbal Essences? I bet you do. I hope you think of me while you do it.

A book? With pages? I have better things to do than read a boring old book.

Herbal Essence me please

Love you!

Sirius

To: quidditchhero69

snickers learn how to use the SHIFT KEY Prongs!!

Sirius

To: m00nh0wler

Oh, I don't use shampoo. I use something else. Something much better and much more valuable. I think you know what it is. Yeah, books ARE boring. Aw don't glare at me… sulks

His Royal Poutiness

Sirius

FW: From: kissmeimscottish92

Mr Black,

Thank you for the gift package of fudge and toffees. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to overlook the serious allegations made against you by Severus Snape. You will be required to attend detention on the first Tuesday of term.

Thanks again for the toffees. And by the way, you can call me Minerva if we are just talking by e-mail.

Hope to see you soon!

Minerva McGonagall.

This is what McGonagall sent me!! Isn't that nice of her? Slightly scared however… Does she use this attitude towards all of her pupils? Hmm Moony, you know what I think? I think you're into my hair. Oh yeah, you are so in love with my lovely lovable sexy hair…

The Hairmeister

To: m00nh0wler

Oh so now you are getting jealous of McGonagall? Don't go putting hexes in the mail or anything. Don't worry, its not like I'm going to be taking Minerva out for midnight rides on my bike. That seat is reserved for you. And my hair of course. Do you want to take my hair to the shower to Herbal Essence-ize? Can I come too?

To: m00nh0wler

Isn't Buena Amigo female? So you are calling yourself a girl? Imagine a female Moony… drools Well it does make sense, you being female. After all, you fuss like an OLD WOMAN!! You old woman. Madam Lupin.

Sirius

To: ratpack44

Peter! Yeah and yeah. The goblins are in chapter 12 of your text book. There's a list. I'll even mail you some notes if you want.

Your Saviour

Angel in Disguise

To: m00nh0wler

Oh yes Moony. Oh YES. You sure are a man. Well, you can take advantage of me all you want. I shall relish it. I look forward to it. I am thinking about it right now. I am drooling on my keyboard. I am very interested and excited so please put me out of my misery and take me now!!

To: m00nh0wler

Yes… you are my one true love. I love you to the ends of the Earth my darling. I am forever yours. Do with me as you will. Take me, use me, touch me, taste me all night long. Have your wicked way with me; make me scream your name. Oh MOONY, _MOONY_!! I want you, Moony! Your e-mails make me warm inside and make me hungry for your form, my sexy little werewolf. Turn me off quick before I rip all my clothes off.

Your Slave

Sirius

To: m00nh0wler

You shall not be turning me off? In that case, you better come round and we can express our true feelings to each other. My bed is waiting… and so am I…

To: m00nh0wler

Oh Moony, stop playing hard to get. We both know you want me.

To: ratpack44

YES, we DO!!! Peter!! Even I heard that! McGonagall mentioned it at least five times!!

To: m00nh0wler

Meanie.

To: m00nh0wler

Aha! You admitted your true and undying love for me! I knew twas only a matter of time…

Love you too

Lustful


	2. You got mail

To: quidditchhero69

I'll tell you where you can stick your chain mail…

* * *

To: m00nh0wler

Of course not! I deleted it straight away. I never send that shit on. And no, James never e-mails me either. I haven't even got any letters off him; he used to use that because he couldn't use his computer very well (retard)

Also against chain mail.

Sirius

* * *

To: ratpack44

Oh yes, it has a very dangerous curse that will kill you instantly. VERY VERY VERY DEADLY!! What, you mean you didn't send it? You haven't forwarded it on yet?? How can you hesitate? Your life is at stake!! Do it now!!

* * *

To: m00nh0wler

Well, we can't reproduce without the female species. But we can do all the rest. Men are meant to be better than chicks. Hint hint.

* * *

To: m00nh0wler

No, it is just you. It is only you who can make me horny with a single e-mail. So e-mail back soon.

* * *

To: m00nh0wler

You are coming out of the closet??? Fantastic!! I love you too!!

* * *

To: m00nh0wler

Aw, I'm sorry. Forgive me? Shall I grovel? Do you want me to beg at your feet? I'll do anything you want!

* * *

To: m00nh0wler

Please forgive me. Please, please, please.

* * *

To: m00nh0wler

PLEASE!!

* * *

To: p0tionzpr1ncess

No, he's just too lazy to reply. He never replies to us. Has he dropped you now? Good, now you know what it feels like. I wouldn't pin all your hopes on a guy who drops his friends for some chick.

* * *

To: p0tionzpr1ncess

Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

Sirius

* * *

To: p0tionzpr1ncess

Well… there is something that has been making me a bit moody lately. I kind of fancy somebody, but they don't feel the same way…

* * *

To: p0tionzpr1ncess

It's…. Remus. Okay? You better not tell anybody!

* * *

To: quidditchhero69

That lying bitch told everybody?

* * *

To: quidditchhero69

Uh, of course not…

* * *

To: m00nh0wler

I wouldn't dream about it… I mean dream of it! Lol and you always had control over me in some ways… you just didn't realise

Sirius

* * *

To: m00nh0wler

Uh… I don't know who started it. Yeah, haha that's silly. Ludicrous, hilarious even. As if, right??

* * *

To: ratpack44

No!!!

* * *

To: MrsSiriusBlack

Go and die.


	3. The other side

To: m00nh0wler

Doubt it! Quit trying to get me into books and give up already! And how come you always write in such formal e-mails? It's a bloody e-mail! Not a History of Magic essay!

Sirius is our king

To: m00nh0wler

Pug… what?? How come I don't understand half the words you use? And you aren't intellectually superior. It's not your brains I'm jealous of, more your smouldering visage.

To: quidditchhero69

Prongs, I very much doubt that you would be able to create a virus. You downloaded the file I saved to your computer even though I named it "dangerous computer virus." Real bright, Jamey. Real clever. You're practically the smartest guy in Hogwarts. NOT.

To: quidditchhero69

Yes, plenty of the beasts, swarming like flies to a honey pot. I will probably be forced to choose one of them after a while, but unlike you, I do not relish going for dates with beauty but no brains whatsoever.

To: quidditchhero69

… Yes, that was kind of the point.

To: quidditchhero69

Oooh, I'm so scared! Nah, Lily's okay. Well, compared to Clara. And Amy, and Martha, and Jessica, and all those other air heads you charmed, dated and got bored of. But that was before Lily, right? True love, yeah? Happy for ya, mate. Make me godfather to your first child or something.

To: m00nh0wler

Oh, so you think I'm good looking, huh? Do you think I'm sexy?

To: m00nh0wler

Peter fancies me?? Bloody hell… a lot of things suddenly became clear. Well, it opens up a few more options if ever I feel so inclined.

Apparent Gay Icon

Sirius Black

To: m00nh0wler

Oh joy, fan girls. What fun. Do I ever act like I am more than disgusted by their whiny little voices? I would much rather go out with you, Moony; at least you have a brain.

To: m00nh0wler

Are you sure you aren't an undercover fan girl trying to get info about me for your little fan club? You don't secretly sell my stuff on eBay, do you? If I log on and see any of my socks or anything there, I will kill you. You don't take pictures of me when I'm asleep, do you?

Slightly disturbed

Sirius Black

To: allrealblacksareslytherins

Attachments: hotgirls.doc, menforsale.jpg, slytherinlove.bmp

Enjoy!! ; )

To: allrealblacksareslytherins

I call myself a son of a bitch. Because it is true. Mother is most definitely bitch-like.

To: m00nh0wler

Oh, so you aren't going to be running after me begging me for… stuff? Aw, such a pity…was quite looking forward to it.

To: m00nh0wler

So you were planning on asking me for something??

To: purebloodblonde666

You're a girl, or a guy? You seem guyish; because you said _straight _Gryffindor in your e-mail. My boxers are white.

To: m00nh0wler

What's this? Little Remus, flirting by e-mail? What is the world coming to?

PS. I am being e-mail stalked by a scary blonde guy who seems obsessed with my underwear.

To: purebloodblonde666

Exactly how old are you? I'm just checking you aren't a pervert or anything…

To: m00nh0wler

Ah, but IS it meaningless?? Oh, and my stalker said to consider him a pervert if I wanted, and that he wanted to meet up with me. Scary…

To: m00nh0wler

I shall ignore him. And I think it is more than meaningless. I think you want me. I think your warm for my form. You want my body, and you won't stop until you get it. So stop stringing me along and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!

To: m00nh0wler

Muggle TV show actually. And you are stringing me along, even if you don't see how. Because your flirty e-mails and sideways looks make me think you feel something that maybe you do and maybe you don't. Do you?

To: m00nh0wler

Then I would say that I like you too, and I would be honoured to go to the dance with you, and from here we can go where ever you damn well please, because when I'm with you it doesn't matter where we go.

PS. My stalker is now threatening to kidnap me… should I be scared?

To: m00nh0wler

Ah, doing the cute protective boyfriend act already, are we? Sweet…

To: quidditchhero69

Eeek!! Mega squee!! I and Remus are going out… in the boyfriend sense!! Yays!!

To: quidditchhero69

God, you're so dense! Lol yeah I guess you can tell them… like you haven't done already!

To: m00nh0wler

Oh, just James... so how is my boyfriend today? -grins- Can't wait for the dance…

Love you

-Cyber smoochies-

Sirius


End file.
